Three Respectful Ways to Support a Defiant/Oppositional/Strong-willed Fiery Child

Imagine for a minute that someone walks into the room you are in, and ask you to do something else immediately. Like, right now. Which of the following best describes your response?

1. You jump up with enthusiasm and say when? And where? and What are we waiting for?

2. You jump up with alarm to see what the emergency is

3. You glare at the other and defend yourself/tell them to buzz off/say no

4. You calmly look up and ask them what’s up?

5. You ignore them and pretend you didn’t hear them

6. Did you even hear them?

All of the above responses depend on your personality. For myself, I would often respond with 3, maybe 5 if I’m not brave with that person for 3, and probably 6 when I am engrossed in what I am doing.

Here’s what these responses often look like in the classroom. (The one closest to the staff’s own response often gets the most negative reaction.)

1. Gets a lot of thanks and praise from the teacher. Is held up as an example for the rest. May also get told to just sit down and follow the directions quietly.

2. Is told to calm down and relax, maybe with exasperation or surprise.

3. Gets corrected and experiences consequences/loses ‘privileges’ for being disrespectful.

4. Gets told to listen better the first time, to ask a friend, or to figure it out for themselves.

5. Ditto.

6. Ditto but louder and with frustration, and possibly experiences consequences as well. Sometimes character assassination follows. Sometimes.

Remember, all 6 of these responses are rooted in personality styles, and are not deliberately chosen in any given moment in time.

Since response 3 is the most problematic for us (the adults), here are three things that I have observed (and experienced personally) about ‘defiant’ kids. Many of them are dealing with all three.

Very often they do not shift gears quickly. This is just how their brain works. They engage in an activity, the gears all mesh nicely and everything goes along like a finely tuned engine. And when they need to change gears, they need a bit of time for that to happen. When that time is not provided or allowed they have to defend and protect themselves from the stripping of their gears. I also try to remember that when a problem comes up during an activity, it can also necessitate switching gears.

Very often they experience their emotions strongly. It’s hard for me to believe, but many people just don’t feel their emotions like tidal waves crashing over their bodies and flooding their souls. Some of us do. (Some people actually have to search inside for how they are feeling! Personally I find this hard to believe, but I know it is true.) This is just how our brains work. Trust me, it is not ‘drama’. It is not manufactured to manipulate you. It is difficult. I also try to remember that when a problem comes up during an activity, it can create a flood of negative emotions.

Some ‘defiant’ kids are so because they have experienced multiple unexpected, unsafe and painful things in their life — things that were terrible, shocking and that they had no control over (and often no good explanation for, or comfort for afterward.) They have learned that terrible and unexpected things happen and they must be guarded against. Their defiance is a survival instinct. They need time to determine whether or not they are safe. I also try to remember that when a problem comes up during an activity, the resulting change in the terms of engagement can trigger the need for another safety assessment.

In light of these three possibilities, here’s three ways I try to be with a fiery child.

First: I allow time in my own schedule for them to have the time they need to switch gears. If I only have 10 minutes before we have to switch activities, I set the timer for 8 minutes and call the switch then. That gives us 2 full minutes before we actually need to start to pack it up. If someone with a developmental challenge is in the group I plan for more transition time. I find announcing the switch with time to transition works better than in five minutes we are packing it up. I find this helpful heads up can feel more like a threat. It can also be confusing, as in — so do I need to quit now, or in 5 minutes? If I still have 5 minutes, why are you telling me now (and ruining the last 5 minutes for me)? I find it more respectful or more effective to just give them the time they need to transition. Sometimes I can’t end something earlier, for example when the recess bell rings, but I can give them the time they need on the front end of the next activity (lining up.) If they need to switch gears during an activity, I can support them by giving them time to problem-solve.

Second: I can offer comfort and something positive to look forward to. Often, needing to end an enjoyable activity is upsetting and disappointing. What comes out as anger and opposition could actually be grief. Grief is a big emotion, and it also makes it hard to see a way forward. As someone more objective in that moment, I can support, validate and help them cope with the tidal wave of negative feelings they may be experiencing. If they run into a change during an activity I can do the same, which can help them move on to problem-solving.

Third: I can offer safety. I can help them accurately assess the change that is being asked of them. To do this I can offer more details on what is happening next. Chances are, one detail will be an important one in their own assessment of risk. Details like how many people will be there, who will be there, how long the new activity will last, and what exactly will be required of them are all helpful. Details can also be offered in regards to leaving the current activity for now. If a challenge arises during an activity I can do this as well, to help them see a safe way to proceed (and to feel less threatened by the challenge itself.)

Sometimes, responding in these three ways can completely diffuse a potentially explosive situation and create a smooth transition. Sometimes one of these three will be all that is needed. And sometimes an explosion will still happen, but in time, when I can respond consistently, the ‘defiant’ child will learn to trust me, and to manage themselves respectfully and effectively. And for myself, these three responses give me a way to do something healthy when my own calm and my own need to be in control feel threatened. That’s a big win right there. Less stress for me!

And that is a goal worth working toward, both as the defiant child I am and as the supportive adult I am (still) working to be.

I work in elementary school, supporting our most challenging students one-on-one for more than 15 years. Before that, I home-schooled my own kids up to age 10. Before that, I was one such child, and she’s still inside of me.